numbers

The time had come where i had to look at the numbers and sadly they added up to more then i thought, i am hoping that the different time of day makes the difference otherwise i will have to work at what i am doing.

after i felt so bad that i actually ate, which i never do when i see a bad number but i felt almost relieved but sad at the same time.

what do you do when u arent happy with yourself? ive culled my clothing, bought new clothes, some i bought in paris, and new boots, maybe a hairstyle change might help this and a structured plan.

might try to write diwn what i eat and do next week for the whole week and see how i do, might help see where i am going wrong or it might show how bad i am being to myself.

i miss my husband and i think i make a fuss about my appearance and try to change it to attract more attention as he isnt very very affectionate so maybe, but i have had issues on this since high school and one particular breakup really sparked it, as i felt punishing myself would punish him as it would cause him further pain. which sadley did have some effect but it makes it hard for me today to see myself as attractive and pretty.

i have not felt good about my weight in such a long time i couldnt remember when i liked myself. this is a great release and i typing it makes me think about it.

hopefully i can get myself sorted by christmas, which is my goal

60 days

Its been some time since i had the guts to know what they said, last time would have had to been almost 60 days and ive been putting it off big time for over 2 weeks. It gets increasingly more difficult once more time passes. Just not wanting to see it at a higher number, havent done any real exercise in fear of to much change and muscle gain.

Today after many times of thinking no, it must be a yes to prove to myself im doing ok. This could improve me or make me worse, which im sure it will be the second of these two but i need to know so i can confirm with my husband with my progress.

i eat when i should and sadly hate food with labels as it stresses me out. I can eat most food and junk food but i feel horrible about it after, on days i know i will have junk food for dinner i eat less during the day so i know i have eaten less then recommended at the end of the day. coke zero is an awesome hunger stopper and so to was keeping busy. when i was preparing to get married i had so much on that at times it made the hours easier to deal with.

i am currently a good weight and have been at this weight for a while but i can easily go down hill which has happened previously in a short amount of time. ive currenly got rid of 4 bags full of clothing out of my cubboards that no longer fit me and seeing that is a little scary. clothes that i wore in high school are now to big, i was normal/slim then. but today i just see an older body which looks sad and mistreated. my arms look slimmer then those of a child while my legs/bottom are shapely. i fit into the smaller sizes but yet i still feel horrible, i generaly wear jumpers/jackets to cover up my arms to they dont attract attention, which in resturants they do.

my eatings changed to the point people point out that i havent eaten as much as i could but i do get full faster to the point my husband tells people that what i ate was a good effort comparied to normally and helps me finish off my plate, so i dont feel so bad. i dislike telling him im struggling finishing off my food, with a regular burger and chips, he standardly waits for me to finish what i can eat and will finish it off for me. i dont like it but it means its not left wasted but at times i think that if i keep looking at food on the plate i might be able to eat more.

i currently have a beesting slice next to me because i wanted to see how they taste incase someone asks me what they taste like when im helping out in the cafe. it is huge, creamy, sweet, cake and has more cals then a large burger, which is scary. ive only eaten 2 edges off as i dont think my stomach would like much more. i feel like walking up the the shops for some more coke zero so i can burn it off and also snack on the coke instead of the cake.

sorry about me keep going on and on but by doing it, i have had more time before i weigh myself. but there comes a time when i must face fears and built on it.